


Losing Yourself

by Mariah123



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 06:26:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7033426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mariah123/pseuds/Mariah123
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cristiano Ronaldo was losing himself, but the truth was he didn't care.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Yourself

He was losing himself, Cristiano Ronaldo was losing himself, he could no longer control himself or his thoughts, so when his mind wandered to dark thoughts he couldn't control his thoughts.

Cristiano pretends he doesn't know when it all started but in his head he knows, it all started when everybody kept talking about how arrogant he was and how he'd eventually be replaced.

Ronaldo doesn't care when people speak like that about him but, now he realises it just hurts to much to live in this world and he wonders if he should end it.

Ronaldo hardly ever wears short sleeves anymore they don't really care when Ronaldo wears a long sleeves shirt when it's literally the hottest day ever. He wears that shirt becaue then people won't be disgusted when they see the white scars running down his arms, he truly doesn't remember when this all started, he just did it once and then he kept on doing it and eventually became addicted. If they'd actually paid any attention when Ronaldo was changing they would have noticed the white scars on his thighs but they didn't and Ronaldo was left to suffer alone but, he doesn't know why he was so upset he was used to this.

He doesn't understand when he stopped eating but he does remember Sergio jokingly calling him fat, he thinks that's where it started from. That's where he starts to eat only salads and nothing else. People didn't notice how skinny Ronaldo was, he had muscle but no fat, they just didn't care or notice.

Ronaldo smiles as he runs across the pitch wearing his pink jersey, as he continues running he suddenly feels nauseated because suddenly a very morbid thought entered his mind, his jersey looks red like blood, blood that used to drip down his tan arms and gather around him as he lay on the cold floor of the bathroom holding a knife. The rest of the match he plays horrible and as Zidane screams at him he doesn't let the tears out until he is laying on his bed, only then does he let himself cry.

He doesn't understand when he feels like he's the most useless player in Real Madrid, he doesn't remember how or when he decided to be so insecure but what does know is that's there's a whole room in his mansion dedicated to how horrible he is. He thinks it started when the fans start calling him useless and expendable.

He doesn't really remember how it happened the big accidental revelation, well actually he does, he just doesn't want people to know, they can't know he's weak.

It happened when he starts changing, he doesn't really bother to cover his legs, his arms, and his chest the areas where he had hurt himself, he only realises what's actually happening as Sergio Ramos and James Rodriguez look at his scarred arms, he looks into their eyes and suddenly wants to kill himself, they look at him with disgust, that day as he plays he ignores their eyes that continously poke at his back.

When Ronaldo attempts to leave the stadium in complete and utter silence so nobody knows, but Sergio corners him and grabs his arm. He looks starlight into Ronaldo's eyes and say the words that started it all.

"You have to stop, if they find out they'll think I've been treating you horrible MY REPUTATION will be ruined"

As Ronaldo stares at his captain he doesn't hear the 'you have to stop' part all he hears is 'Ruining my reputation' and he feels betrayed because he really thought Sergio would be there to help him, he really thought, but that's how it all started.

That night he lays in bed and hold the razor this close to that very place in his wrist that could kill him in seconds and contemplates applying the pressure, but he doesn't, he has to be stronger than this, to be number one and he really has to be number one so they don't call him useless anymore.  
If he killed himself Ronaldo would be causing massive problem for Real Madrid so he doesn't want to kill himself, because he doesn't want to be useless, even when he's six feet under.

The next few days are heaven, James seems to have forgotten and actually talks to him like he's human and most importantly like he's not a broken, useless person and that feels great. Sergio doesn't look at him like he's about to break, the slaps on the shoulders are back. He finally feels perfectly fine and he even stops hurting himself but, then that happened.

"Good, you've gotten rid of your ugly scars" Sergio comments as he stares at Ronaldo's naked upper body, and suddenly Ronaldo's heaven just crashed down, why did he think everything could ever be perfect for him, ugly, useless people like him don't deserve the kindness and respect. Ronaldo doesn't remember anything up until he reaches home, or he doesn't care about anything not anymore.

He doesn't care as he walks out of his sanctuary his safe place everybody could see his scarred torso, he doesn't care when everybody screams at him to stop and explain, he doesn't care when Zidane looks at his scars and apologises for every horrible word he has uttered, he doesn't care because, it's too late now, to say anything Ronaldo doesn't hear anything all that's left is the silence.

That night Ronaldo doesn't contemplate anything as he sits on the floor of his hotel Room, he just grabs he razor let's it hover over his tan arms before applying the right amount of pressure and as Ronaldo sees the blood drop onto his hotel carpet, he smiles for the first time in days because he's free now.

He doesn't have to care about the pain he carries with him, he doesn't have to hate himself as he stares into the mirror and curses himself for being fat, he doesn't have to worry about messing up and then being shouted at by Zidane.

Just before Closes his eyes he sees the door open and Sergio enters the room, who expression turns from regret to utter horror, Sergio runs towards Ronaldo and screams "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, wake up" Ronaldo just closes his eyes, he doesn't care, not anymore.

Ronaldo truly doesn't remember the process of losing himself, well he actually did, but in his head he pretended he didn't know what was happening but all along he knew, but instead of doing something he just played along with the cruel game of life.

 

 

 


End file.
